ARGH!

The following was written 8/11/12
Many things have changed since then, but I feel this was important enough to keep.




I am just not a regular blogger.  The intentions are good, but....
Well, let's face it, I am a bit on the busy side.  I have 5 kids, they are homeschooled.  I work 3 or 4 days a week for Domestic Violence.  We have 4H, dance and I HAVE to have my excercise classes at the YMCA.  Oh yeah, and I'm starting school.
I really didn't plan on going back to school long term years ago.  I was content being a mother and wife.  I wasn't the best wife, but I wasn't a bad wife.  The relationship still wasn't a good one.  It's really hard now, but I'm better off physically and emotionally.  He was not nice to us and I allowed it to happen.  That actually makes me as guilty.  If I had stood up for myself and my kids years ago, well, I wouldn't have all 5 of them.  There would have only been 2 most likely, but I held out.  When the 3rd came, it was rough, I held out.  The fourth came and just a few months after, I realized how badly it was taking a toll on me.  Still, I did not want my kids to be in a broken home, so I stayed and along came my Angel Baby! 
Everyone has a breaking point though, I reached mine.  I tried rational.  I tried denial.  I tried kind.  I tried downright bitch.  Nothing was sinking in to him that things had to change.  He wouldn't do what I'm pretty sure we both knew had to be done, so I did.  I asked for the divorce.  The proverbial lead balloon.
It wasn't always bad.  The first year was good.  It went down hill from there.   I saw the signs and turned a blind eye.  I've read the signs since, although I didn't write them, but boy howdy I lived them!

Happy Thanksgiving

Well, here it is Thanksgiving!  I have not kept up with this blog, but I do have so much to be thankful for.  I have two good jobs, 5 great kids, and school is going well.  I also have had the pleasure of meeting a remarkable man who has become a very good friend.  It doesn't hurt that he is gorgeous, too!  My van is finally paid off and things may be starting to get more under control!

The ex managed to keep a job long enough for the kids to get 5 support checks and he has quit again.  No big surprise there.  It is his pattern to think he is smarter than everyone else so therefore his job is beneath him - he quits.  Either that or he failed the drug test - has happened before.  OR, since they were garnishing his wages, he got sick of it.  Who knows?  The only thing for sure  is that we can't be sure because you certainly cannot get a truthful straight answer out of him.  However,I am thankful for the few checks we did get!

The light at the end of the divorce tunnel is in sight as well!  We have to publish it in the paper, but at least it will be over with.  I am excited to end that part of my life.

I need to be doing school.  Again, I will try to keep this more updated, but, you know.....

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Stress? What's that?

Several weeks ago someone told me I didn’t know what stress was.  I have contemplated this statement ever since.  After careful consideration, all I can think to say is thank you.  I put great effort into putting the best foot forward and taking every day as a chance to do something better and not let my situation be a negative part of my life.  Apparently I am succeeding and that makes me feel good.  It’s not denial; it’s standing tall and making the best of things that are far from perfect.  I know stress very well, but I have chosen to rise above it and deal with it with as much hope and humor as I can.  I have some really awesome friends who help me get through the times when I don’t see the humor or the hope.  Your life is what you make of it.  So I may not seem like I don’t understand stress, but I do.  I just choose not to have it live my life for me. 

There are always going to people who think their own struggles and trials are more important than your own.  There are always going to be those people who never take responsibility for their own actions.  There are always going to be those people who will try to create unhappiness for you because they are jealous of your happiness-even when they don’t take into account it may just be a positive outlook or a brave front.  We can’t do anything about what they do, but we can do something about how we react to what they do.  Bullies come in all shapes, sizes, denominations, and preferences.

I have 5 kids.  We live in a bedroom in my mother's house.  Six people, one bedroom.  Seven people, one bath.  I have bills that exceed my part-time income.  My soon to be ex-husband (if he'll ever show up to get the divorce settled) refuses to pay court ordered child support.  He is currently $6547 behind.  He crawled off to another state to hide any money he could make in order to avoid helping take care of the children he claims to love and miss-although hasn't seen in months.  I go to school, home school the kids, and try to make a normal life for my children now that we no longer have a normal life.  My mother hasn't had a vehicle in about two years, so I've had -and I don't mind a bit- to take her whenever she needed groceries, household stuff, or whatever just to get out of the house for a couple of hours.  My children are 3, 7, 9, 12, and 14.  They have things they want to do, we can't.  They have things they used to get to do, we can't.  They have things they need to do, we can't.  But you know what?  We don't stress.  We don't blame things on other people.  Okay, occasionally, the kids and I will get a case of the, "If he would just send half of what he owes...." grumbles.  But, all in all, we're happy and don't live off the stress.  We make the best of what we have together and make our own fun.

Now the father of my children thinks he's teaching us all a lesson.  He's some cave wizard now, or something.  A Buddhist/Anarchist.  This is according to his proclamations, I couldn't make that up.  He'll probably attempt to take credit for their ability to adapt to their new situation-after all, he's partly to blame for it.  But the credit all goes to them, themselves.  They're the ones who have turned this sucky situation into an oh well, we're fine.

So when someone tells me I don't understand stress, rather than get my feelings hurt, or get mad at the how dare they think their problems are more important than mine.  I just smile and say thank you.  I'm blindly happy.  I'm a bit naive.  I've lived in a bubble for 15 years.  When the bubble popped I found a world much crueler than when I went in the bubble, but I intend to stay true to me.  Apparently it means I'm going to have people try to walk all over me.  Apparently I'm going to have people put me down and other bad things.  I'm tough though.  If anything, the stress we have gone through has taught me that my kids and I can handle tough situations with humor, grace and love.  And you know what, that's fine with me.  We'll get through this and when we do, the people who are thinking they have so much more stress than we do, will have more stress than we will because they lack the ability to deal with it.

I'm bad

Here it is August.  How many times have I said I'd keep up with this and how many times have I failed?  I'm sorry.  I'm a bad girl.  Things have really been hectic though!  Seriously!
You have to be careful what you put on the web you know.  You can't tell it like it is, or someone may use it against you.  Isn't that bogus?
You can't really say anything you wouldn't want  a judge to read out loud in court now can you?
Okay, so that is what I've learned in my last several months working in the courtroom-among other things.
The courtroom is an interesting place.  I am surprised at how I really enjoy it.
I'm taking criminal justice technology, have I told you that before?  I like it.  Well, we haven't gotten into the good stuff yet.  I took World Religion-loved it!  Computer Technology in Action with Office 2010-liked it a bunch.  And I took Psychology-zzzzzzzzzzz.  The only thing I really got from Psychology is that the people who take it, and like it, are searching for answers to their own problems.  They also move on to be therapists just so they can be around people more screwed up than they are and it makes their insecurities go away for awhile.  That was my interpretation of the class I took anyway.  I'm not cut out for it.  I do not desire to understand the evil that lurks in the minds of mankind AT ALL.  Give me my happy optimism ANY TIME!
Anyway, I'm amazed at the world.  Apparently during my 15 year marriage, where I rarely ventured away from home and had even fewer adult conversations, the world has gotten mean as all get out.  I was telling my mother this afternoon how it almost feels like I've been in a coma for 15 years and woke up to find that I still feel young and alive and hopeful and everyone around me has turned cold and cruel and distant.  What's up with that?
I mean seriously!  Do people really have to pretend to be your friend and all the while getting dirt on you or making it up when they can't get any out of you, just to feed you to the wolves when you least expect it?  Why?  What is the point?  Is getting ahead that important?  Is making yourself feel better worth bringing someone else down?
Boy, I'll tell you another one.  How about when someone who has no clue what your life is like, automatically assumes their life is so much more stressful than yours and that you have no clue what stress is?  Boy could I tell some people about stress.  And I may on here one day, but let me tell you, I have a LOT of stress.  The difference is I refuse to let it own me.  I refuse to NOT see the silver lining.  I refuse to worry myself sick over crap that isn't going to matter in a year.
Yeah, I'm writing a blog.  I should be more eloquent.  I'll save the eloquence.  I may pull it out next time, but for now I'm on my soap box.
I love people, really.  I chose not to be around those that are negative or use people to make themselves feel better, but it doesn't mean I am negative towards them or anything else.  They live their life the way they choose.  I live my life the way I choose and we'll just let God judge us all in the end.  It's not my place to.  I'm not imterested in it.
I like to surround myself with happy, positive people.  Don't get me wrong, we all have bad days and my friends are there to help me as I am for them, but we do it in a positive, helpful way.
You get out of life what you put into it and I choose to put sunshine and smiles into it.  I hope you do, too.
I'll try to vent more later.  Right now I have to give Strawberry Pie her bath and get some clothes ready to wear to the office tomorrow.  I get to go get my new semester college books tomorrow, too.  Also, Sugar Pie and Sweetie Pie start dance again this week.  Busy, busy!  :)  EXCITING!!!
Until......

Hello

Hi!
How are you?  Nice of you to stop in.

I used to have several entries on here.  Those posts were deleted.  I used the blog as a journal.  My husband didn't like it.  In an effort to save our marriage, I stopped blogging.  The marriage could not be saved.  Fifteen years and 5 fabulous children later, it's over. In a couple of months the divorce should be final-there's stuff to settle before that happens.  Custody, property, etc.  Anyway, I've decided to make this my journal again.  We've gone through a pretty rough 17 months.  I'm not going to start tonight from then, but I plan to.  I'll go from then and bring you up to now.  It will probably bore you, but it will be therapeutic for me.  There is no doubt some things you will not believe.  I would probably not either, if I hadn't been living them.  They are true, nonetheless.

Until...